Now for the good news: There are ways to rise above anxiety permanently.

I work with Millennials in their teens and twenties coming to me with issues such as: failure to launch, low self-esteem, pot addiction, video game addiction, school failures and even Asperger's Syndrome. 90% of them suffer from Anxiety and most of the time it is that under-current that propels all their other issues.

Anxiety is a major impediment these days. We can think about the reasons of why this is happening in such great numbers or we can just start helping young adults suffering from anxiety right now using the following four vanquishers.

The Four Anxiety Vanquishers: Breathing; Negative Self-Speak; Dorothy Syndrome; Visualization

Breathing:
Remember Marvin Martian?

That is what most people starting to ramp up in anxiety look like (minus the ray-gun). AKA: Shallow breathing. The new apple watch has it right. Take time in each day to do deep, diaphragmatic breaths, a minimum of three good, deep ones and up to five minutes of it each day (if you can stand it). The shallow breathing tells your mind/body that you are in distress. Your body goes into action and pumps you full of natural chemicals that guaranty the fight-or-flight feeling. That translates into anxiety for those who have been living that pattern. The first step... the deep relaxed breaths. (Think of puppy sighs).

Positive Self-Speak
The voice that you hear in your head is a sort of loop that can be helpful or ramp up your anxiety. Train your inner-voice to be helpful. If it says something like "you're going to end up in the hospital" when it is not the case. Argue with it. Point out how you usually survive your anxiety attacks without the need to escalate. Find a phrase... eg: "Your are going to be fine" or "You can make it through" etc.,

Dorothy Syndrome (There's no place like home).

I have noticed that a lot of the young adults I mentor have a specific barrier as they leave home where anxiety kicks in. It could be 10 blocks, it could be at a certain landmark or major intersection. Oddly enough, they often aren't aware of this geographical boundary. Check to see if you have one. If you do... drive to somewhere in the comfort zone of your boundary and slowly, day-by-day push up to, then past that boundary. Over time, you can soften and then eliminate it.

Visualization

So many people find that it is almost impossible to stop their mind from thinking every moment of the day. This can lead to trouble sleeping but is often I cause of anxiety issues in the young adults I work with through Skype. What I recommend is to find a five minute visualization exercise that speaks to you. Try it every day. Slowly build up the time; five minutes, ten.. fifteen.

There will be days when you need to go back to the minimum and their will be days that if you can stop your mind's chatter for three seconds that this is a good session. Be kind to yourself and notice when you have these three seconds of silence.

A good Mentor for young adults uses all these techniques to help start the path of helping people get in control of their bodies and minds. It is not a quick change but it can become a lasting one. Be kind to yourself, find a good mentor and share your concerns with people who will actively listen.

You are not alone.

Interested in mentoring millennials? Check out www.MentorsProfessionalWorkshop.com

Know a millennial in need of mentoring? Check out www.MentoringYoungAdults.com

If you or someone you know is at risk please contact your nearest Crisis Centre or call Kids Help Phone at 1-800-668-6868 to speak to a counsellor.

The post Anxiety is the Mental Health Disorder of Millennials appeared first on .

Mental Health Labels and the Outside World.
If I said to you “Hi! My name is Ken Rabow and 20 years ago, I couldn’t get into a subway without wanting to freak out and smash the doors open from anxiety if we stopped for more than 5 seconds. I also made a plane taxi back so that I could get the hell out (way before 9/11). (BTW, the anxiety was eventually conquered) what would you think?

Would you have said: “Hey! I wonder if he is a good teacher?” or “You think he’s any good as a Jazz Drummer?” or… “I’ll bet he’ll make a great life coach for teens one day!” … I don’t think so.

The world wants things to make sense. We feed each other in small bytes of “facts” so that they may be consumed and we can move onto judging the next item in our path.

I am not affected by your good opinion of me. Even less so by how you judge my challenges. It doesn’t matter if you are my Doctor, my Priest, or my Parent, I will not be defined by my lacks, imbalances or labels.

So who stops me?

The Harshest Judge of your Mental Health… is you.
No one is as hard or cruel on my clients suffering from Mental Health issues as they are on themselves. I am honored that they trust me enough to let me in to witness their suffering. I see what they go through and I get it unfiltered.

What I hear them say about themselves, spoken or unspoken are things like: “It’s my fault I have x”. “I’m so stupid” and others too painful to repeat.

I listen. I say back what I am hearing and then I tell them… if the person in your head was your parent, they would be arrested. No one should have such a cruel voice taunting them. Let’s find a new way to work with “the voice”. That voice in your head really wants to help you. They think that by saying awful things to you, they will keep you safe.

First: give that voice a name: Evil Coach, Angry Dad, Malevolent Mom, X, and then you have to talk to them. Tell them “Thanks for trying to help me. What you did kept me from trying things before but now I need you to become a supportive (albeit cautious) Coach/Dad/Mom/X”.

Find a phrase you believe in: “I am not my label” or make up your own.
Read inspirational books: Think and Grow Rich, How to Win Friends and Influence People, anything by Wayne Dyer.

Slowly transform that voice into: Inspirational coach, Loving Dad, Nurturing Mom or anything else that lets you try and be ok with falling on your ass from time to time and growing from it.

Remember: It doesn’t matter what someone calls you, or judges you as, or labels you, all that matters is knowing yourself. Choose to try to understand your strengths, your weaknesses and recognize when you are at the bottom of the well. There are times when anyone with any sort of sensitivity ends up there.

It is the worst place to be. There seems to be no way out. It seems that everything always brings you back here. Hope is abandoned. Tears replace anger or sullenness and life seems like a shit sandwich served on day-old bread.

Remember this… the bottom of the well is just that: The bottom. It is the place you get to when a series of events, physical, emotional, time-based, chemical-physical and perchance spiritual combine to bring you to the lowest of the low. When you are out of that place, remember that even the well is just a temporary state, which occurs only when all the crappiest humors align.

Coming out of the well, can be the start of seeing life anew. You will have to remind yourself that the well is just what happens when all the crap aligns and it can be temporary. You must do all the things that you can to strengthen yourself, physically, emotionally, chemically (legal meds, holistic supplements or orthomolecular therapy as well as meditation) and time-wise. Learn to be kind to yourself and look for whatever is good… and find a Mentor who is not hung up on labels.

A Word to Families of Someone with a Mental Health Label.

Just because a family member has a Mental Health problem, doesn’t mean that they “did it to themselves” or are “acting like that to spite you” or that you need to save them. Nor is it the end of their possibilities in life.

As they get better it doesn’t mean that they aren’t the “other” thing anymore either. We are all so many different things and some of the most inspiring people I’ve met struggle daily with Mental Health issues. Those people are some of the most courageous people I have known. Not just the courage to change the world but also to take one step forward when they have been living in a well for so long.

See the hero. Ask them what you can do to help.

If we all start to see the potential in each other… the stigma will be replaced with an ancient tribal rite… faith. Faith in the unfolding of life through mentoring each other to be our best and to accept us at our worst.

Become the Mentor… for yourself and for our tribe… the world.

Are you interested in becoming a Professional Mentor for Young Adults? Check out our next opening for 1st Degree Mentorship at Ken Rabow's Mentors Professional Workshop by clicking here

The post Mentoring Young Adults Past the Stigma of Mental Health appeared first on .

As a Mentor for young adults, I spend over 1000 hours a year, one to one on Skype (so virtually face-to-face as it were) with people in their teens and twenties who have been robbed of the opportunities to share their deepest fears, their deepest pains and even the small stuff that can snowball into an emotional Armageddon. The first thing me and the people I train as Mentors offer these young adults is a forum to be heard judgment-free.

This is not something that can just be given lip-service, it is in the actions that we open the door for dialogue.

These teens and young adults have replaced questioning life, emotions, struggles and personal daemons with Facebook, Snapchat, Pokemon Go and other visual Fast-food consumptions.

To quote one of my clients: “If I have ever been good at anything it is distracting myself”. The same client shared this: “Optimism has been pressed out of me like the last bit of toothpaste from the tube”. One last quote from this Millennial is one that should cause you pause: “We were brought up to not believe advertisements but to ignore them. You (the older generation) have to prove whatever you say (to us). Just because you say something doesn’t mean I will believe it.”

There is the Millennial conundrum: Avoiding emotions, bereft of hope and expecting us to prove any platitude we thrust at them… That is where we begin Mentoring young adults: AKA Millennials.

But before we begin, let me quote a much older cynic of the machinations of Mankind.

“I do not think they were asking why they were dying, but why they had ever lived.”… Cervantes

He continues: “When life itself seems lunatic, who knows where madness lies? Perhaps to be too practical is madness. To surrender dreams, this may be madness; to seek treasure where there is only trash. Too much sanity may be madness! And maddest of all - to see life as it is and not as it should be!”

1. Being too practical = madness
2. Surrendering dreams = madness!
3. Seeking out treasure amongst the trash.
4. Seeing life as it should be.

Wow! Maybe Cervantes was a Millennial!

Here is the other important thing to know in mentoring young adults:

There is no magic bullet to avoid suicidal thoughts. Almost everyone has them. I have had them as well. There have been times in my life when I had them on a daily basis and other times where they were on an hourly basis. These days it is a bi-yearly thing.

People who know me might be shocked by my admission here. I am a true optimist and believe greatly in mankind’s ability to rise to its greatest and yet… most of us have our dark moments.

Not all suicidal thoughts are about killing oneself. Sometimes they are wishing to have never been born in the first place. The can end up being the same though.

For those wishing to Mentor young adults or troubled teens… here is the tool you will need to help them connect, communicate and care.

The Cone of Silence.

I was a huge “Get Smart” fan. One of their regular bits was when Chief had an important piece of information to share with Max. Max would ask for the cone of silence. It was supposed to stop anyone else from listening in but apparently, everyone outside could hear really well but the speaker and the listener never heard each other.

We live in that cone of silence: Everyone outside seems to know what is going in in our circle and the ability for Millennials to talk about their emotions; struggles and personal daemons fall on deaf ears.

BTW, telling them that:
1) you also had those feelings, or
2) “it’s nothing”, or
3) “it will all get better over time”, or
4) “how could you feel that way when we give you everything you want” or even
5) “OMG! Let’s call every Doctor, therapist, on the planet and have our little poopsie seen tonight!!!”

is still… the cone of silence.

The New Cone of Silence (COS) – Judgment-free Listening – No Sucker-Punches

 This is not going to be easy for either side. For the Millennials… they are expecting judgment… over-reactions… or minimization. For the parents/Mentors… we really want to judge… over-react… or (out of fear and wanting to help) minimize.

Here it is:

Cone of silence rules (kind of Los Vegas rules) What is talked about in COS stays in COS.

Millennial: Mom/Dad, I want to use the cone of silence.
Parent: OK. Let’s begin.
Millennial: Explains their feelings. Their fears. Their frustrations.
Parent: Listen. Try not to show any visible expressions except support and unconditional love. Say back what you heard in your own words and ask if that is what you heard.
Millennial: Agrees that it is what they said or clarifies.
Parent: Empathize with how they feel –
Parent: Ask how the Millennial wants to proceed. – follow their lead as long as it is not going to endanger them or others.

Cone of Silence = Connection and Communication
Let them choose how you should proceed with the information judgment-free = Caring.

NB: Never bring up what is said in the Cone of Silence unless they do first and still check that it’s ok.

This is life as it should be. A place where we listen, judgment-free and allow people to grow and rise above their challenges.

Please share this with anyone struggling with being overwhelmed in the world.

May the Creator bless you and keep you (in its embrace).
May its countenance shine upon you (be face to face with it).
and may it find you charming (when the judgment might not be so good).

The post Connect, Communicate, Care. World Suicide Prevention Day appeared first on .

You are not alone. There are lots of people who look like you. Lots of people. When they see someone like me who is overweight, they make judgments. When I am at my present weight (I have gained and lost Arnold Schwarzenegger's body weight several times over during my 50 odd years) and go into a swanky coffee shop and order a low-fat chocolate, they always ask me, "Do you want whipped cream with that?"

When I lose 20 more pounds, go to a coffee shop and ask for low-fat hot chocolate, they say, "You don't want whipped cream with that?"

When I am at my perfect body weight (for me) they never ask me for whipped cream.
What do we learn from this? Nicole, you can't begin to understand what it means to be someone who needs to protect themselves with a layer of fat to feel safe, or the joy comes from the forbidden fruit that is the cocoa bean, the white bread rush, or the sugar buzz.

For whatever reason, your clan chose to find solace in belittling others as a form of comfort. I did notice that you had $300 worth of cosmetic paint on your face. You seem to thing that artifice is art.
Here's what I have to say to all those with a bad body image: look for real beauty.

It is not in your body, which shall betray the best of us with time. Look for self love first, because a loving man or woman is always kind and inspires instead of ridicules. Seek out those who are kind and help inspire you to be your best, who challenge you in those moments of weakness when you feel the need to get the buzz that bad food gives you, and to forgive the skinny people who don't understand. There are people out there who are in great shape who have kindness, who admit their struggles and don't need to sensationalize by shaming others.

And to Nicole: yes, you seem smart. You have good comedic timing, but shame on you. Yes. You got fame (for a second). You got notoriety. But you have proven the thing that I try so hard to teach the Millennials I work with who feel there's no point in working hard at school when you can get more famous being mean, stupid, or embarrassing in this world: that being a good person and living in the non-digital moment is what life is about. You have shown how bullying can travel. Look. I'm writing about you. Now, goodbye. Learn from Elwood P. Dowd, the character in Harvey. (It's a black and white film... give it a try).

"Years ago, my mother used to say to me, she'd say, 'In this world, Elwood, you must be.' -- She always called me Elwood -- 'In this world, Elwood, you must be oh so smart, or oh so pleasant.' Well, for years I was smart. I recommend pleasant. You may quote me."

This article was published at Huffington Post on Sep 8, 2015

The post A Life Coach’s Take on Nicole Arbour, Fat-Shaming and Bullying appeared first on .

I will give you the answer to the parent/Mentor issue at the end of this article but let's start first with helping your Millennial:

The Three Challenges

1. Just-in-Timers. for lots of students, it was easy in High School to wait to the last minute, binge study and pull off some nifty grades. The harsh reality is that this doesn't work in University/College and the student does not have the resources or experience to try another way.

2. The Deliciousness of Indulgence. Being away from home and having no external controls, mixed with a massive amount of booze, weed and fellow video-gamers with unlimited internet access is a recipe for badness. The uninformed will say "just say no"... good luck with that.

3. The Scourge of Social Anxiety. This is at epidemic proportions in North America. This anxiety can make it practically impossible to reach out for help in school. Making it difficult to get back on track when they fall behind, it can push them to make self-destructive choices when the inevitability of their situation is shoved in their face by mid-terms.
//www.huffingtonpost.com/arianna-huffington/millennials-stress_b_2718986.html

The Three Solutions

1. Just-in-timers meet the Daily Routine. By starting with the simplest tasks inserted in one's day-to-day life, the Millennial learns to use a scheduler (why does this generation prefer to keep notes on loose slips of paper?!?) to take control of their daily lives. It may seem like a small step but simply being able to do one five minute task a day instills in them what they didn't get by obligation or just-in-timing High School

2. Indulgence meet Observation: Remember what I said about "just say no"? Well double that on this one. We are not talking about people doing serious stuff in a way that is self-endangering. Those people need immediate action but for those indulging just enough to keep them from doing anything in life; here is the solution; observe it. Yes. Notice when you are doing your indulgence. Think about why you are doing it. Is it to self-medicate (i.e. deal with your anxiety)? Is it to alleviate boredom? Is it for social sharing? Is it 'just 'cuz? This may seems nuts but all of those are valid. The trick is to figure out which one, when, offer better things to do that you would enjoy more for some and leave the others (at the beginning). This is the start of conscious use and helps make different choices in the future.

3. Calming Social Anxiety. This can seem so formidable. It requires a Mentor who conveys non-judgmental trust. It requires the Mentee/Millennial looking at their challenge with kindness instead of harsh self-judgment and then to implement the following over six months; deep breathing (versus shallow breathing); visualization/meditation; learning positive self-talk; patience and relaxation.

Why Mentoring Millennials May Not Work (at first)

OK. It will work. (Deep breaths please). The three solutions I mention above work for 90% of the Millenials I encounter, just please don't try this at home folks at least until you finish this article: Let's start with a story:

The Long Spoons.

So... true story. I wanted to understand Heaven and Hell. So first, I travelled to Hell (Insert Donald Trump joke here...)
There were rows of tables piled high with platters of the most delicious food. Each platter was more aromatic and more beautiful to behold than the last. Every person held a full spoon but both arms were splinted with wooden slats making it impossible to bend their elbows to bring the food to their mouths. The people were emaciated, suffering and bereft of hope.

So I went to Heaven (Insert Wayne Dyer tribute here...)
Everything was the same. Same tables, same platters of food, same splints on the arms making it impossible to bend elbows but the people were satiated, happy and fulfilled. The big difference: In Heaven as a person picked up their spoon and dug into the nourishment availed to them, they stretched across the table and fed the person across from them. That person thanked them and then leaned across the table to feed their neighbor.

What's This Got to Do with Me?!?

Chances are there is nothing wrong with your mentoring skills (if you have been working on them) but imagine the mentor is the person with the spoon, the wisdom is the food and the person starving is your child. You cannot mentor your own child, the whole concept of tribe was designed to have you mentor your neighbor's child and them mentor yours'.

This is why people come to Professional Mentors/Life Coaches like myself and the Mentors I train. This is why you should become a mentor but get a distant relative or friend from another city to study mentoring with you. Then, you mentor their child and they should mentor yours'.

Let's start a movement and use the long spoons the way the were meant to be used. I believe the Millennials have the potential to be the greatest generation since the 1940's but they need new mentoring paradigms.

Find someone you trust and believe in to train you and your mentoring partner and begin a tiny revolution! It shall grow.

The post Mentoring Millennials – The Difference Between Heaven and Hell appeared first on .

Sometimes, these thoughts need to be shared. I am doing so now with permission.

Meet Reginald (Really? You think that there is a twenty-something schizophrenic living in Toronto in the 21st century named Reginald?!?). No, it’s not his real name. He is on a fair bit of medication which he takes consistently since we have been working together. Reginald has gone back to university and is following my regimen of taking one course in semester one, two in 2nd semester, all the way up to five once he has learned how to study efficiently, prepare to write papers (not in the 24 hours before its due) and work with T.A’s and teachers when something doesn’t make sense.

Regg is doing famously. He is also in a wheelchair, more round than tall and although when I met him he radiated “I know more than you” (which he often did) he now radiates the warmth, the grace, the brilliant humour which is how I know Reginald to be.

So here we are. Doing great at school (low 80’s), contributing really well in class and what should come along? Valentine’s day! And who is sitting next to him in class but a warm, sensitive woman who seems to “get” Regg’s humour and he senses there is something there. Now remember, this is Reginald 2.0. Through the work we’ve done he has found new faith in himself and his self-worth has grown with every task we have set upon doing and succeeding or figuring out how to rise above.

They go for coffee. They share thoughts. They share fears. Esmeralda shares the fact that she used to be a cutter and then Reginald tells her that he was diagnosed with schizophrenia. Esmeralda’s starts shifting uncomfortably in her seat, not making eye contact and shortly afterwards excuses herself due to a very bad headache. She also doesn’t sit on the same side of class anymore.

I see Regg twice a week, which I do with all my clients, better to reinforce good habits and less time to acquire bad ones. We meet the next day and he shares the Esmarelda incident with me.

What do you say to someone who is the most thoughtful, astute, wise and sensitive guy you could know who has just had all his self-worth shattered. His greatest fears realized. “No one will ever love me for who I am”.

This is not just the cry of all the Reginalds in the world. It is the call of a great many people out there who feel less than worthy.

I told Regg the simple truth: “Regg, you are special. There is no one like you and I feel honored to work with you, laugh with you and learn from you. There is no question that there are other people out there like me who will see you for who you are and women who will not care about any labels you may have. They will fall in love with you”.

You can’t just give up because you haven’t found love or met people who live their lives based on appearances or fear. You know that. Tell yourself: “I deserve to be loved. I deserve happiness and I will be patient and relentless in my pursuit of both”. Say it again.
Say it everyday into the mirror while looking into your deepest self.

To all the Reginalds and the Esmeraldas out there: Keep your eyes sharp, your hearts open, your faith strong and your resolve everlasting and Happy Valentines Day to those who are loved and those waiting to know that there is a lover out there who will love them as they are.

Check out more of Ken's articles on Huffington Post by clicking here